Letters From The Heart
by Sofie and Fi
Summary: Mark's in love. Collins is in Santa Fe. How can they help each other?
1. Dear Collins

Dear Collins,  
Hey, bet you didn't think you'd be getting a letter from me. I know I don't write very often, but things are getting a bit much to handle here. Twenty-something angst and all that - just another day in the life of our Bohemian heroes. But seriously, I don't know how much longer I can keep up my facade. You're the only person I can tell. Roger's a little too... close to the situation. Okay, so he really IS the situation. I think maybe you already suspected this, but I'm in love with him. I have been for years, actually, ever since that day he wrote that song for me. Remember that? It wasn't too long after you moved into the loft. I was really depressed about breaking up with Bethany - correction, being dumped by Bethany - and he told me I was a special person. Remember? And then he played that song and I almost started crying. I mean, I know he was just being a friend and all, but it was the first time I ever believed I was worth something. He gave me that.  
But that's not my reason for writing. I mean, I've been in love with him for so long it shouldn't be a problem anymore. It is though, because lately it's been tearing me apart that I can't tell him how I feel and I never will. He doesn't even know I'm gay. Yes, I am gay. It's pretty funny really, after Maureen I haven't been attracted to anyone female. Maybe our relationship did more to both of us than everyone thought, huh? Besides, nobody can even compare to Roger. I don't think he'd be freaked out that a guy liked him so much as he'd be freaked out that it's me. We both know he's dated guys before, even though he seems to be the straightest person in our group, now Benny's gone. I mean seriously... there's you and you're openly gay. There's Maureen and Joanne. There's me whom everyone assumes is gay and there's Mimi who has a pretty interesting history. And then there's Roger - this blonde, talented guitarist with the smouldering eyes and a grudge against the whole world. He seems straighter than a clean-cut college kid, really. Maybe that's part of my fascination with him. Someone like him fits more easily into the mould of homophobic than he does into the mould of bisexual with more gay best friends than he has straight. I can't figure him out, and I love that. I love the challenge.  
This wasn't supposed to sound like a pathetic love letter so I apologise for that. I'm just so confused. I can't tell him. It's not worth endangering the friendship over and I don't want him to be watching me constantly to make sure I'm not trying to sabotage his relationship with Mimi. I would never do that - she makes him happier than I ever could, which kills me inside. But I think the hardest thing is just living so close to him. Every time he sits down next to me, or casually slings an arm around my shoulders I get a shiver run up my spine and I freeze automatically. I can't believe he hasn't noticed, actually. I treasure those moments though. And last night the single best and worst thing happened. He slept in my bed. Mimi had some problem with her mattress so she came upstairs to sleep. And she has the flu right now, so Roger gave her his bed. I have a double bed and it was stupid for him to sleep on the couch so he came and slept in my room. In the middle of the night I woke up - Roger had rolled over onto his side and was facing me. His face was two fucking inches from mine and his arm was around my waist. It was torture, but I loved it at the same time. Does that make me sick? Crazy? Perverted? Pathetic? I don't know what to think anymore.  
Talk to you soon,  
Mark.  



	2. Dear Mark

Dear Mark  
It was a really nice change to find a letter from you. All I ever get is bills nowadays. I never knew it was so expensive running a restaurant. But I love it anyway.  
To tell you the truth I was scared of opening the letter. Even though it didn't say who it was from, I'd recognize your messy handwriting anywhere. And my first reaction was that you wrote to tell me that something had happened. To Roger, or Mimi, or whoever. That's not very healthy, is it? I mean, if your first thought when you get a letter from a friend is "Oh my God, somebody died!" I think I just sat there, staring at the letter for about twenty minutes, before I finally opened it.  
Yeah, you're right. I did suspect that you had feelings for Roger. I didn't think they were quite that strong, though. You're in love with him. Wow. I'm sorry, but I did get a silly grin on my face when I read that. Angel knew, of course. Nothing went past her.  
I don't remember exactly when I noticed how you felt, but I think it was when Roger met April. Do you remember that night when he came home and declared that he'd met the girl of his dreams? He looked so happy and so in love, and I turned to you to say something, don't remember what. You were looking at him, and you had this expression of loss in your eyes, even though you were smiling. After that I kind of started looking for signs, and I found them. You know, the classic things, like how your eyes lit up when he came into the room, and how you were always asking about him when he wasn't around. And you never did like April much, did you? You were very subtle, though, I have to say that. I don't think anyone else would have noticed it. Maureen is too caught up in her own world, Joanne don't know you well enough, I think. Benny... I don't know about him. If he knows, he probably doesn't care. If Mimi knew she would have confronted you. And I bet you everything I own that Roger doesn't know. Picking up signals isn't exactly his strongest trait, you know.  
And now you're asking me for advice. Mark, I suck at this, you know that! But I can see that I'm the only one you can turn to, so I'll try my best. I wish Angel was here. She would know what to say.  
It's sad, but it's probably for the best that you don't tell Roger. Not that I think it would endanger your friendship, Roger wouldn't let that happen. But it could interfere with his relationship with Mimi, and I don't want to see that happen, because they are so good for each other, and you saw what happened to Mimi last time they broke up. She almost got herself killed. I know it probably hurts you to read this, but it's true, Mark. Believe me, no one would be happier than me if you and Roger got together, but I just can't see it happening. Maybe someday, who knows? Only time will tell.   
Mark, hang in there, ok? Your love for Roger is something beautiful, don't think anything else. You're not sick, you're not crazy, and you're not perverted. Pathetic? Yeah, maybe, but aren't we all?  
If it gets too much, come here to Santa Fe. You're always welcome here, you know that.  
Take care! And let me know how things are.  
Collins  



	3. Dear Collins

Hi Collins,  
Thanks for your letter. Sorry it took me a few weeks to reply. I kept picking up the pen and then not knowing how to continue. I guess I was kind of hoping you'd tell me I should just jump Roger or something, or that he called you last week and told you he was going to take me on a romantic trip to the Bahamas. Being reminded about Mimi was a bit of a let down after that.  
I better reply to the other stuff you said first, hadn't I? I'm glad you don't think I'm crazy or perverted. It's just that my parents would freak if I told them I was in love with another guy. Actually, mom would probably blame Maureen. She already thinks Maureen broke my heart and ruined me for other women. I haven't bothered to correct her because basically it suits me for her to think that.  
I'm sorry I scared you so much. I didn't even think you'd assume someone had died when you got my letter. Mimi and Roger are still really healthy actually. It's me that's a wreck. Ironic, huh?  
Collins, I need help. Yes, more help. Every time I see Mimi it's getting harder and harder to like her. I don't know what's happening to me. I used to genuinely like her. I thought she was good for Roger and I wanted him to be happy... so I was glad they were together, you know? But lately they've been fighting like crazy and I find myself siding with Roger even when he's obviously at fault. You know he gets jealous easily - if he was with me that wouldn't be a problem - and Mimi plays to that when she's in a bad mood. Last night she went out and wouldn't tell him where she was going. She said she didn't have to tell him everything she did. He said something like, "you mean everyONE you do," and Mimi just glared at him... I mean if looks could kill I'd be mourning for him right now. She said something in Spanish at him with her eyes flashing - you know how she gets when she's furious. And then she went out. That fight was all Roger's fault and yet I still found myself comforting him and siding with him and saying stuff like, "she doesn't tell you where she's going just to spite you." It struck me when I said that that it'd be so easy to break them up. I have Roger's trust, after all. So I stayed quiet after that and went to bed early and decided I'd write to you today.  
You see, the problem is that I don't know if Mimi IS so good for Roger any more. I can't tell if I'm just being biased... I mean when they're together they're happy. Sure. But they spend so much time fighting and I hate that. I hate that Roger won't talk to me and that he sits in a corner glaring at anyone who comes too close. I hate that she can affect him so much. I hate that she can hurt him so much and not seem to care! And sometimes I just want her to back off and leave him alone. I don't hate Mimi, I could never hate her. And I know I'm jealous of her and Roger, sure. But mostly I just can't stand the way she hurts him. Does she deserve him, after all? I thought she made him happy and he wanted to be with her but... could I ever make him happier? Fuck Collins, I'm so confused now. I don't know whether I'm thinking rationally or not any more.  
You remember when I filmed that Life Support meeting Angel took you to? Part of their credo was "forget regret or life is yours to miss." Well even though I don't have AIDS I thought that was a good way to live my life and I have tried to, somewhat. I wonder, if I don't tell Roger how I feel will I regret that? Right now I only have one regret. I regret that Mimi ever knocked on our apartment door that night. I really do.  
Mark.  
  



	4. Dear Mark

Dear Mark  
I really wish I could have to you that Roger called and told me he was taking you on a romantic trip to the Bahamas, but, sorry, no. If he had, I'd probably convince him to take me with him instead. I sure could use some time away. Sorry. This isn't about me.  
So, things aren't any better, huh? I guess my wishes for the three of you to get together and live happily ever after in a threesome didn't come true. I know, I know, that would never work. You're not that kind of person, Mark, and neither is Roger. Mimi, on the other hand...  
You really think your parents would freak out if you told them you are gay. Or bi. Or whatever. Maybe you're just Rogersexual. I shouldn't be joking about this, I know. But I think you're right. About your parents I mean. I actually met your mother once, remember? Of course you do, I'll never forget the look on your face when she showed up at the loft, without any warning. After you regained your ability to speak you introduced me and... Cameron, I think I was dating at the time. God, I really didn't have any taste in those days. Anyway, when you said he was my boyfriend, she gave me this look. A don't-you-dare-try-to-turn-my-son-gay-or-I-will-hunt-you-down-and-feed-you-to-the-crows-look. Maybe I'm exaggerating. She seems like a nice enough person.  
Why am I not surprised to hear that Roger's jealousy is causing trouble again? Why can't he just trust people once in a while? You say that if he was with you that wouldn't be a problem. I'm sorry Mark, but I it would. Even if you were completely faithful to him, as I'm sure you would be, he would still get jealous. He always does. April never did anything to deserve it, and yet once he almost punched a guy she was only talking to. He's so insecure, Mark. I think his jealousy is some kind of instinct to protect himself, and I'm not sure if it'll ever go away. But you know him better than me, so maybe you're right.  
Mimi's always been too good at pushing Roger's buttons. And he lets her. But Mark, I really don't know what to say about this. I haven't met any of you in months, and I don't know how Mimi and Roger's relationship is. All I know is what you've told me. And, forgive me for saying this, but maybe, just maybe, you're seeing things you want to see.  
This probably wasn't the kind of letter you wanted to get. I'm sorry. I'm not in a very good mood today, and I probably should've written this another day, but I wanted to get it done. Mark, I really wish I could say something to make you feel better, but I can't. I love you, and I love Roger, and if I could think of a way to make both of you happy, believe me, I would. But I don't know how.  
Take care. And take care of Roger and Mimi, even though you probably don't want to. Do it for me, ok?  
Collins  
  



	5. Dear Collins

Dear Collins,  
Well thanks a lot. Glad to know I can count on your support. I suppose I should reply to all the nice stuff you said at the start of the letter but I can't get over the end of it. I'm seeing things I want to see? You don't even live here any more. Remember? You took off on us and left us to fend for ourselves after Angel died. Not that I blame you for that I mean, I know her death was hard on you and all. But the fact is that you don't live here any more and you can't see Roger. You can't see Roger and Mimi and you can't see me.  
Maybe I am guilty of saying "if only this happened life would be perfect." And I know even if Roger loved me life wouldn't be perfect. But I do honestly believe he'd be happier with me. I mean sure we'd fight and he'd probably get jealous. And take me for granted sometimes. But on the other hand I'd go out of my way to make him happy. And he'd love me so he'd hate to see me hurting. I really think it could work out between us, if only he loved me like I love him. I think I'm being realistic here. But you seem intent on shattering my dreams.  
How the hell would you know what it's like, anyway? You found love. You had perfect love for awhile. I know Angel died and I still miss her so much. But your love was still something incredible and I think you forget how lucky you were. You took off on us and were so caught up in Angel's death you forgot about what she gave you. Roger and I made a pact to not speak about Angel to you until you were ready, but you know what? I think it's time I stopped tiptoeing around you. We all lost her, not just you.  
Unrequited love hurts you know. I was thinking about love today and came up with a few thoughts about it. I might use them in a film soon. Love is a really strong emotion and it can bring you great joy, great heartache or both - but never neither. You had great joy until Angel died, I guess. But I'm in such pain here. Love really does hurt. It's so extreme. It's both a blessing and a curse, and right now I'm definitely cursed. You never fell in love with your best friend. You in love with Benny? That's a laugh. You can't honestly tell me you know what I'm going through. I'm sorry I wrote to you now since you can't give me advice. How could you? You can't understand what I'm going through. Am I selfish? Probably. But I don't care any more. Guess I'm back to being alone again.  
- Mark.  
  



	6. Dear Mark

"Dear" Mark  
How dare you? You have no right to say those things to me. You have no right to say that I left you to fend for yourselves. You are not my responsibility, Mark! Not you, not Roger, not Mimi not anyone. I'm not your father, and I'm not your baby-sitter!  
I know exactly how lucky I was to find Angel. To have that kind of love, even if it was only for a short time. And I know you miss her too. But I loved her, Mark! I loved her more than I have ever loved someone before. And she was the first person to ever love me. And she died. She died, and she left me here. I feel like my heart is missing. The only reason I get up in the morning is that I know she would want me to live on. All I have now are the memories. She's gone, and that hurts. Sometimes I'm not even sure I want to live on without her. My love is gone. I don't think I'll ever find it again.  
You didn't know that, did you? No, because you haven't bothered to ask. These letters you've written were all about you. "I have a problem, you have to help me, Collins. I'm in so much pain here, what shall I do, Collins?" Not once have you asked me how I'm feeling, how I'm coping. Well, I feel like shit! I've always been the one taking care of others, but I won't do that anymore. I have my own battles to fight now.  
You think you and Roger would be happy if he just loved you like you love him. That's not being realistic, Mark. You're living in a fantasy. A fucking fairy-tale. People don't live happily ever after in this world. It just doesn't work that way. So you had some thoughts about love. Well good for you! Please, do use them in one of your films. At least that way no one will have to hear about them. Yeah, love hurts. Most of us realised that a long time ago. Welcome to reality. It's a hell.  
I don't know why I bother telling you this, but I do know what you're going through. I know what it feels like to be in love with your best friend. You seem to find it hilarious, but I was in love with Benny. You should have known that. We were all living in the same apartment, and you never even noticed. You think you're so good at reading people. Mark - the observer, who notices everything. You think you know so much about the rest of us. You don't know shit! Unless it involves you, you don't care about what other people do and feel.  
So, yeah, I do know how you feel. It's you who don't know how I feel. Get back to me when Roger dies. Then, and only then, you'll know how I feel.  
Collins  
  



	7. Dear Collins

My dear Collins,  
When I read your letter I didn't know how to react. I stared blankly for a while. Then I started crying. I cried about Angel, I cried about unrequited love and I cried because I managed to lose one of my best friends because I'm too fucking selfish. I don't even know if you'll read this, but I wanted to thank you. You woke me up... I also learned that the best way to deal with this pain is to focus on something else. Like maybe my friends for a change. Apologies aren't going to work, I know that. But even when you wrote that letter you were still helping me. I was so used to seeing myself as poor little misunderstood Mark. I always have been, you know that. Hiding it only made it more obvious. I needed everyone to care about me and my problems. So my friends have AIDS. So Mimi almost died. So Collins lost a real angel to Heaven... it doesn't matter because hey, look at me, I'm Mark and I have problems!  
I can't believe I was so childish. You're right - I pride myself on being the observer. Traditionally someone in that role is usually wise and mature. Well someone sure fucked up with me then. Couldn't get past my own petty problems to see people that really need help. I'm so ashamed about what I wrote. I think I aged about twenty years when I got your letter. I think I finally grew up.  
How could I have assumed Angel wasn't - no, it's no good dwelling on it. I can't change what I said or how it made you feel. If you'd written to me and you were upset would I reply? Looking back at your old letters, you were so supportive and caring and never once mentioned your problems. Would I have done that? As much as I hate to have to face facts, I don't think I would have. I would have turned it to me. I always turn it to me. I do live in a fantasy world. Well, I should say lived, since I guess you cured me of that too. Just after Angel died Roger said I hid in my work so I didn't have to face my failure or the fact that I live a lie. I got so mad at him, but... it was true. I shut off from the rest of the world and just saw what I want to. And I guess I never stopped. You can help Mark with his problems but he only sees what he wants to about everyone else's.  
This probably sounds like I'm pitying myself again but I'm not, I'm honestly not. I'm marvelling at how I could change so suddenly into a person that I actually like. I guess I never really did like myself. Now I can deal with Roger. I'm going to try to turn that love into a positive thing. Which makes me think... were you just trying to bring me into reality with that letter? Because if not, I feel for you. Not pity or anything just love. You say reality is a hell. But it doesn't have to be, Collins. Didn't Angel teach us that? She was the original optimist, I think. It wasn't even that she saw the good in things - it was like the bad didn't even exist. You used to be like that when you lived with us. Don't you remember? I guess that has its downside. I guess none of us listened to your problems because you were the cheerful one and we figured you didn't have any. Is that why you and Angel were so close? Did you finally have someone to share with? I'm sorry you've lost that. I can't say I'll be like Angel - nobody could be like her - but if you ever need a friend, I will be here and I will listen. Not that you'll ever want to talk to me again.  
Try to let go of your pain and remember Angel with a smile instead of a tear. I know it will take time. I can't do it yet, and she meant so much more to you. But remember to smile again, Collins. Angel didn't want you to just survive in this world, she wanted you to live. Anyway, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I laughed at the idea of you and Benny. Just more proof I really was wrapped up in myself.  
You know something? The letter you wrote is so angry. But I think Angel would have been proud of you. I'm so grateful, that's why I had to write back even though I know there's almost no chance you'll read this. I'm still going to make mistakes while I learn how to be an adult in the 'real' world, but if you hadn't written back to me like you did I'd still be wallowing in self-loathing and pity. Maybe right now I don't know how you feel, but I'm going to try to understand. The silent, detached member of our group is finally going to notice everyone around him. You saved me, Collins. I owe you so much. Thank you for helping me through my problems with Roger, just like I believed you would.  
- Mark.  
  



	8. Dear Mark

Dear Mark.  
Thank you! I was so relieved when I got your letter. I thought I'd never hear from you again, after everything I said. I regretted writing the letter almost immediately after mailing it. I didn't mean all those things I said. Well, yes, I did, but I didn't mean for them to come out as they did. I miss Angel like crazy, and some days all I can think about is that she's gone. That was one of those days.  
I'm glad my letter helped you, even if it was a pretty harsh awakening. Maybe it was good for both of us, to get things out it the open. I know I felt better. I haven't talked to anyone about Angel since the funeral. I didn't want to. Hell, I even moved here to avoid all of you. To avoid your pity. Perhaps not the brightest thing to do. At least someone knows how I feel. And that makes things easier.  
Thanks for promising to be there for me. I might need it someday. And I'm here for you too, Mark. Don't let what I said in my last letter scare you off. I'm still here if you need me.  
I really think you're doing the right thing by moving on. Your love for him is something beautiful, even if it's not returned. But I'm still glad to hear that you're trying to get over it. It's not easy, I know. But you can do it, Mark. I'll try to resist the urge to say something horribly cheesy, like "There are more fishes in the sea", but you know that there are. You'll find someone. You're too good to miss. Don't let anyone tell you anything else.  
As for me, I'll try to take your advice, and live instead of just surviving. As you said, I'm sure that's what Angel would have wanted.  
Take care, Mark. And write me soon.  
Love Collins.  
  



	9. Dear Mark

Dear Mark  
How are you? I'm beginning to wonder, since you haven't written me in over a month. Where are you? What are you doing? I know you'd never elope with a handsome stranger without telling me, so that can't be that case. I hope nothing's happened to you, or one of the others.  
I tried calling a few times, but all I get is the answering machine. Why aren't you at home? I'm beginning to sound like your mother, aren't I? Sorry.  
Just... get back to me, ok? Let me know you're all right. I'm getting a bit worried here.  
Collins.  
  



	10. Dear Collins

Dear Collins,  
I'm sorry I didn't write back to you. I didn't get your letter and figured you were so mad at me you'd just thrown my other one away. I was trying to give you some time. I got your second letter two days ago and figured there must have been a first. Maureen's been bringing me my mail since I moved out of the loft. Look at me, giving you bits and pieces of the story and confusing you more. Typical me! Let me go back and start at the beginning.  
When you wrote your first letter, Roger opened it by mistake. He saw your address on the back and figured it was for both of us. Anyway, he read it and didn't know what the hell was going on - you didn't mention him by name but the idea that I could be in love with ANY guy was a shock. So when I got home he confronted me about it. But he didn't wave the letter at me or anything; he just flat-out asked if I was gay. I was so shocked I said yes. Then he just nodded and stormed out. I should have known something was up, but I just refused to think anything bad about him. Well, the next day I came back from filming and Roger was standing, waiting for me, with your letters to me in his hand. If he'd read what I'd written to you he probably would have beaten me up there and then, I don't know. But as it was, he just started yelling at me. It was awful, Collins. He was saying he'd found out about my 'dirty little secret' and that I had no right to try and break him and Mimi up and no wonder you hated me and he hated me too. You never thought he'd let this break up our friendship - but he did. He threw me out of the loft and told me never to come back. I guess I didn't know him as well as I thought I did.  
Maybe I hurt his pride by going to you instead of talking to him. Maybe he was repulsed at the idea that I was in love with him. I guess I'll never know. But what I do know is that the second he told me to get out I fell out of love. I just couldn't love someone who could treat me that badly. So, back to the story. I went to Maureen and Joanne's house - Maureen wasn't home so I just sat for hours, crying on Joanne's shoulder. By the time I'd calmed down enough to tell her what was going on Maureen was home. I stayed a few nights with them but didn't want to burden them too much, so I moved on. You know I'm not working right now, so I don't have money to rent any place for long. Joanne gave me enough for bond and a month's rent in an apartment only a few blocks away from the loft and Maureen went and got my stuff for me. That money's dried up now, and I still don't have a job.  
Maureen found your first letter to me in the loft by mistake. She gave it to me yesterday, so now I have both letters to reply to. Mimi and Roger aren't speaking to me and Roger said if he sees another letter from you he'll burn it. It's no good trying to contact me because I don't have a fixed address right now. But maybe this is just what I needed. Mimi and Roger are more valued members of our group than I am - don't look like that, you know it's true! So they go out with Maureen and Joanne, and slowly, I think, everyone's forgetting I was ever there. I'm hoping for a fresh start. So far life's been pretty bad, but maybe tomorrow it'll get better. As soon as I have the money I'm leaving New York. Maybe I'll even go back to Scarsdale for a while. Remember one New Year's Eve I said friendship was thicker than blood? I don't know about that anymore. I want to spend time with my family for a change. Even though I never call or write, mom still loves me unconditionally - and even though she'd be shocked if I told her I was gay, I don't think she'd treat me like Roger did. That's made me question some of the values I hold.  
So, I'm off to start a new life. I'll write to you again when I know where I'm living. For now, I guess it's time to cue the corny music as our hero walks off into the sunset.  
- Mark.  
  



End file.
